Women speak out against the dangers of an abusive relationship
In light of the 16 Days of Activism Campaign, which is held from November 25 to December 10 every year, the Advertiser spoke to some women who have suffered abuse. This is a worldwide campaign to oppose violence against women and children.
Gender-based violence against women and children continues to a hot topic due to acts of violence which have been perpetrated by men against women and children.
The killing of women has touched every woman from all walks of life in some way or another.
Taking action, women shut down the streets of Sandton CBD in September to raise awareness of gender-based violence and femicide in South Africa.
Responding to their pleas, President Cyril Ramaphosa announced the Emergency Action Plan, which is his attempt to deal with issues of gender-based violence that have plagued the nation.
The five-point plan includes how to prevent gender-based violence in general; how to strengthen the criminal justice system; steps that should be taken to enhance the legal and policy framework; what should be done to ensure adequate care, support and healing for victims of gender-based violence; and measures to improve economic empowerment of women.
The Advertiser spoke to a survivor of domestic abuse who asked that her last name remain anonymous, for fear of victimisation.
*Vanessa du Toit (30) (not her real name) suffered abuse at the hands of her husband.
She got married at the age of 21 and had her first child in 2009.
“I believed that I was in love. Everything was all right for a year but when I gave birth to my first child things went south. My husband started consuming alcohol and drugs.
“At that time I didn’t understand whether it was stress caused by the drastic changes of having a baby or something else because he changed completely,” she said.
She added they always had problems with tenants and landlords where they were living because when her husband was drunk he became violent.
“We didn’t stay at one place for a long time because of my husband’s bad behaviour. What’s worse is that he wasn’t aggressive to them only but to me as well.
“He would hit me and kick me without any reason. I was admitted to hospital 21 times but I continued loving him. “He would assault me and a few minutes later he would just act normal as if he didn’t do anything,” she said.
According to du Toit, when everything became too much for her to bear she would go to her mother’s house, but a few days later she would go back to her husband.
“There were times when I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t because this was my baby’s daddy.
“I stayed for my child because I believed that a child had to be brought up by both parents. I told my mother-in-law about the abuse, but she would say that I was looking for it because her son wouldn’t just hit me. I tried being a better mother and a wife, but it seemed like I was failing,” she said.
In 2012, du Toit said her second baby died and she was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
“My depression was triggered by my baby passing away and the abuse. My breaking point was in 2016, when one morning I decided to take my identity document and my child and run away.
“Unfortunately, he found us and he pushed me down the stairs. Even in pain, my child and I child walked from Umkomaas to Scottburgh, where I met my mother who took my child and gave me a bus ticket. I took a bus to Kroonstad. I didn’t know anyone there and I didn’t know where I would stay,” she said.
She said she slept at the police station up until a generous woman who worked at the SAPS Victims Unit decided to take her in.
“I stayed with her for a few days and that’s when she decided to take me to New Beginnings Care Centre. While travelling with her, I didn’t know where she was taking me but I didn’t care.
“They dropped me off at the front gate of the centre. I was tested for drugs and the centre found that I was clean. That’s when they allowed me to stay.”
Du Toit found love again in 2017 and had a second child.
“The father is everything I dreamed of. He takes good care of me and my children. My goal now is to have our own place, find a stable job so I can be able support my children and be a good role model to them.”
Her advice to other women who are going through abuse is to get out of those relationships.
“If you continue to stay in that abusive relationship you will never be happy. You’ll live in fear or die. Stop hoping that he will change, get out and be an independent woman so you can support your children.”
Another Boksburg resident, *Kate van der Merwe (not her real name) said she was molested when she was in Grade Seven by her four uncles.
“Up until now I haven’t disclosed this to anyone. At that time I would feel scared and embarrassed. Because of the abuse I went through, I’m always protecting my children and other children around me because I don’t want them to be victims,” she said.
- Difficulties experienced
Clinical psychologist from Boksburg Dr Pauline Mawson highlighted some of the psychological difficulties victims of abuse experience.
Mawson said victims of abuse and violence often end up feeling helpless and powerless. They have poor boundaries because theirs have been constantly violated.
“This results in having difficulties to trust, seek other abusive relationships, being easily used or having aggressive outbursts and even end up becoming violent themselves.”
“They may develop severe anxiety, possibly even PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Individuals who struggle with PTSD can suffer from nightmares and flashbacks of the incident(s), feeling as if they are reliving the actual event(s). They are hyper-vigilant and have a constant feeling of dread, fear and helplessness,” she said.
Furthermore, Mawson said the victim could find themselves at risk of developing depression and suicidal thoughts.
“This has an impact on their ability to work or affects school performance, as well as their interpersonal relationships. These effects can be long-lasting.”
“Children who are victims of abuse/violence may struggle to understand and process what has happened to them. “They may feel confused and act out with behavioural difficulties, temper tantrums and aggressive outbursts as a way to cope with the trauma. They may become isolated at home and at school and report difficulties with friends. “They may also constantly wet the bed,” Mawson said.
How victims could be helped:
• Individual psychotherapy or playtherapy for children
• Medication (psychiatric consultation) if necessary
• Exercise can assist with anxiety and the anger
• Non-judgemental support and a willingness to listen, but not forcing the individual to talk
• Routine and structure assist in feeling a bit more in control and empowered
• Asking for help – shame and embarrassment are symptoms of trauma and can be worked through with a qualified professional.
• Finding a support group for victims of abuse can be helpful.
Celebrity psychologist and integrity specialist Charissa Bloomberg said: “I have become a voice of integrity because our country has lost its moral compass. People need to start raising the integrity bar by doing the right thing.
“These senseless killings will end when people start having compassion and doing the right things.”
The Department of Social Development has a gender-based violence command centre with a toll-free number 0800 428 428 and ‘a please call me’ number *120*7867#.
